How to Let Things Go

A simple strategy for reducing stress and increasing happiness.

A few days ago, Pineapple (my 3.5 year old daughter) and I were out on her pedal bike.

Well, she was on the bike, I don’t exactly fit.

We made it 90% of the way around the loop near our house when we got to a big hill. As I’ve done countless times before, I pushed her gently on her back to help her up the hill. But she said “papa, solita.”

Now I don’t speak a ton of Spanish, but I do know that means she wants to do it alone. But I kept my hand on her back because if I had let go, she could have fallen over and potentially hurt herself. Again she said, “Papa, solita!”

I said “once we’re at the top of the hill,” still with my hand there, which prompted a tantrum and tears (mostly on her side… mostly).

She got off the bike and stormed toward our house, ready to tell Pretzel (my wife) about the great injustice I had just caused. I tried to console her, tried to explain why I didn’t let go, and tried to get her back on the bike. She wanted none of it.

So then I got upset, frustrated that she no longer wanted to bike and that our otherwise very fun bike ride ended on a sour note. I stewed, “Why can’t she just let it go? Even if she was upset, I explained and apologized, why can’t we just move on?”

And I felt that frustration for the next minute. Then for the next ten. Then through getting back to the house, through explaining to Pretzel what happened, and through Pineapple getting over the whole thing while happily playing with Lego. Throughout all of it, I stayed frustrated.

It wasn’t until Pretzel pointed out: you’re doing the very thing you got upset with her about–not letting the frustration go.

I realized she was right (after about 5 more minutes of stewing). So I tried to lighten the mood by half singing, “so you’re saying I should let it go… let it goooooo, not bottle it up anymore?”

Pretzel just stared at me. “Why are you singing?” (It turns out she knows the song as “Lass jetzt los,” literally “let go now.”)

I don’t tell you this because I want parenting advice (though if you’ve got tips, I’m all ears). I tell you this because knowing how to let emotions go–stress, frustration, anger, sadness, cravings for Tim Tams–is an incredibly important skill for resilience, mindset, and overall happiness.

The Hedonic Treadmill

In positive psychology, there’s a concept known as the hedonic treadmill. The idea is that everyone has a base happiness setpoint, where their general demeanor returns, regardless of what happens to them.

from UXCEL

External experiences can impact your mood, but over time, you will eventually return to your base setpoint. That’s true whether the experience is negative or positive.

If you lose a client, a project, or your job, it doesn’t mean you are doomed to be miserable forever. You will bounce back. That’s called resilience and is a good thing.

The same is true for when you experience something positive. You will be happier for a period of time, but you will eventually return to your base (which is why humor should be a habit, not just one singular sensation).

This means there are two major components to maintaining (or raising) your happiness, particularly during times of stress.

1. Raising your overall happiness setpoint. This is a topic for another post or you can read about it in our book, Humor That Works.

2. Reducing the amount of time it takes to get back to your happiness setpoint. Aka the time it takes to “let things go.”

Letting It Go Faster

If you can learn how to let things go faster, you’ll become more resilient and increase the overall amount of time you’re happy (or at least at your base setpoint). Which means you can sit and play Lego with your daughter instead of dwelling on a small hiccup that happened 30 minutes ago.

So how do you do that? Well there are a few common ways:

• Practice mindfulness

• Create a positive mantra

• Talk with someone

• Exercise

• Attempt to sing “Let It Go” to your German wife…

But there’s also one near surefire way that I feel like a fool for not incorporating into my own life more. No, not Tim Tams. Humor.

Comedy, Tragedy, and Time

There’s a cliche phrase (or equation?) that says Comedy = Tragedy + Time. It’s often meant in the context that after enough time has elapsed after a tragedy, you can find the humor in it, which is why when I recently stumbled upon…

This picture of me in 2nd grade, I had to laugh. I think even 9 year old me knew that was an absolutely terrible haircut.

But there’s also an interesting corollary, which suggests Comedy - Tragedy = Time.

When you can take what happens to you and find the comedy in it, you can remove, or least ease, the tragedy. Finding humor in a situation makes it feel like more time has elapsed and the situation doesn’t control you.

This can help you to better manage the ups and downs in life, to stay optimistic in the terrible times and humble in the terrific times. When the going gets tough, the tough get laughing.

Which is exactly what happened when Pretzel pointed out my hypocrisy. I had to laugh (and attempt to sing) about it.

Going Forward

I know the world is a stressful place, especially right now. There’s a tremendous amount of things you can’t control, and there are a ton of things that you actually shouldn’t let go.

BUT, for the smaller things that still cause you stress, learning to let go can have a dramatic impact on your short and long-term happiness.

So what are you holding on to that you should just let go? Can you find the comedy in it so that it doesn’t control you as it once did? Can you do your best Idina Menzel impression and “Lass jetzt los?”

(an)drew

PS. If you’re struggling with stress, burnout, or not getting over your kids not getting over things, stay tuned because I’ll be opening up my calendar for a few 1on1 clients soon. If you already know you want in, let me know.

Now for the Silly Joke at the End: I saw a pigeon scare off a cat, despite having a broken wing. It was unflappable.